Today I am frustrated. I was supposed to have an appointment at St Thomas’ Hospital with the surgeon; however, when I arrived at Paddington, I received a phone call from the hospital to rearrange the appointment for 2 weeks time.
So frustrating when you get your head around something and its cancelled. I had even compiled a long list of questions:
How long will the surgery take?
How painful will the surgery be?
Have there been similar cases to mine? If so, what happened?
How long will i need to take off work?
How much will it improve my quality of life?
Why can’t you do keyhole surgery on me like in America?
What complications could i have?
Why didn’t the surgery work when I was 3 years old?
How will you be sewing me up inside?
How will you get to the hole in my heart?
How will this affect my menopause?
Will i need any further surgeries?
How traumatic will it be as an adult?
What if I’m in agony will you give me strong painkillers?
Will I be able to fly long distance after?
Will you be able to reconstruct my breasts?
How long will the operation take?
How long will it extend my life?
What will happen if I don’t have the operation?
Do you recommend I have the operation?
The list could go on forever…….
6th August
Sometimes I feel so betrayed by everyone. Even my own family. I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel misunderstood by everyone. I feel friendless, rejected. I don’t feel anyone understands what I’m going through. I have always been labelled the “difficult” one.
Even my own family arranged to go on a big holiday together without one thought of me. Is there really a point in being part of a society that puts perfection above everything? What quality of life will I have? Even my life up to now has been difficult because being “disfigured” and “different” has had a devastating effect on my life.
Up until the age of about ten, my scar never really bothered me. It was only when I when I started going into puberty that the problems began. You see, whatever way they cut my sternum affected the way my breasts developed, leaving my breasts asymmetrical. This always bothered me. Not so much the scar as it has faded with time, but the asymmetry. I am not sure is this is common for people who have open heart surgery. I mean in theory, i could get it fixed with an implant, but life always seems to get in the way.
Yes, I have had relationships, but none of them have ever really worked out. I have always felt deeply insecure about this. I’ve always felt that deep down, whoever I was dating was always looking over their shoulder for something better. I am a complex person, and at the age of 44, I have decided that relationships are just not for me. This has led to more loneliness.
sindypiper8 