surgery – sindypiper8

The Day of the Operation

Part 1

After my blissful sleep at the hospital I went and had my shower with the strange solution. I think I was still in a daze. I had many doctors again visit me in the morning. My surgeon came to visit me around 11am. He was all scrubbed up in his surgeon gear. I asked him what time likely the operation would commence, as I though it was scheduled for about 6pm. He told me they wanted to get started early and I would probably get going around 12:00pm.

Another Russian doctor came to discuss the operation also. She had paperwork on her screen that I had to sign. I remember there being an option about the operation being filmed for future reference. She just ticked this box for me without asking!

There were constantly doing ECG’s and bloods at this times. The nurses came to put my valuables in an envelope. I was a bit annoyed that I didn’t get a locker to myself. My suitcase had been taken away at the beginning.

I think around this time I was assigned my own nurse. She had the same name as me which I took to be a lucky sign. She was nice and we were chatting away.Then all of a sudden they came to get me for the operation. As they started to wheel me down one of the nurses said to another one ‘ we need to sort out the bra for after’. They then muttered something about a 40D. The.se are special post surgery bras that fasten at the front.

As I was wheeled down to theatre I think I said a few Hail Marys to keep my mother happy. They parked me outside the theatre. I remember there was an array of Philippine nurses who I have to say were all amazing. At this point a rather stern Phillipino nurse came out and looked at me and said ‘right who have we got here then’. They then transferred me to another operating table and wheeled me into the operating theatre.

To be honest a lot of people would be terrified at this point but i had been here so many times before it didn’t seem such a big deal. I had already had surgery as a young child (which i don’t remember) and I had had the TOE and groin procedure 2 years before.

My line in my left arm had been set up. I gazed up and saw the Japanese anaesthetist. I think he said he name was Tomokoto or something. They both introduced themselves. That was that…the lights went out and i don’t recall a thing.

3 Months Post Surgery

So..wow, it will officially be 3 months since my surgery for ASD correction via open heart surgery and what an experience and a half. Initially I wanted to write a diary of the experience day by day but that did not turn out to be practical.

I am now going to work with the notes I have made and what I can remember. It has been so hard to even pick up my laptop but today I made a massive effort.

The main thing I am fighting atm seems to be the massive depression that I seem to have slipped into. Apparently it is a normal thing post surgery. I felt so motivated before surgery and was in the middle of a course. I just do not have any motivation or willpower at the moment.

I was told by my surgeon that it could take up to a year to recover psychologically from surgery. I just feel like i am drifting along in a never-ending laziness induced psychosis of never ending Netflix.

For the first month after surgery I just slept and slept and slept. After 2 weeks at home I went out for my first walk which was exhausting. Then this like massive depression kicked in. Almost like your brain/ body has suddenly processed the massive trauma it has experienced. I would describe it like feeling like you have been “hit by a train”. Then looking in the mirror constantly trying to accept/ adjust to your new friend. Your new scar.

When people said “oh your personality might change after surgery” i thought oh no, not me, I am really strong and really resilient. I will bounce back to my normal self in no time. I feel like i have died and this new person has taken over my body. I feel like a shell of my former self. I feel vulnerable, isolated, wary, introverted. Pump head is a real thing.

4th August

Today I am frustrated. I was supposed to have an appointment at St Thomas’ Hospital with the surgeon; however, when I arrived at Paddington, I received a phone call from the hospital to rearrange the appointment for 2 weeks time.

So frustrating when you get your head around something and its cancelled. I had even compiled a long list of questions:

How long will the surgery take?

How painful will the surgery be?

Have there been similar cases to mine? If so, what happened?

How long will i need to take off work?

How much will it improve my quality of life?

Why can’t you do keyhole surgery on me like in America?

What complications could i have?

Why didn’t the surgery work when I was 3 years old?

How will you be sewing me up inside?

How will you get to the hole in my heart?

How will this affect my menopause?

Will i need any further surgeries?

How traumatic will it be as an adult?

What if I’m in agony will you give me strong painkillers?

Will I be able to fly long distance after?

Will you be able to reconstruct my breasts?

How long will the operation take?

How long will it extend my life?

What will happen if I don’t have the operation?

Do you recommend I have the operation?

The list could go on forever…….

6th August

Sometimes I feel so betrayed by everyone. Even my own family. I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel misunderstood by everyone. I feel friendless, rejected. I don’t feel anyone understands what I’m going through. I have always been labelled the “difficult” one.

Even my own family arranged to go on a big holiday together without one thought of me. Is there really a point in being part of a society that puts perfection above everything? What quality of life will I have? Even my life up to now has been difficult because being “disfigured” and “different” has had a devastating effect on my life.

Up until the age of about ten, my scar never really bothered me. It was only when I when I started going into puberty that the problems began. You see, whatever way they cut my sternum affected the way my breasts developed, leaving my breasts asymmetrical. This always bothered me. Not so much the scar as it has faded with time, but the asymmetry. I am not sure is this is common for people who have open heart surgery. I mean in theory, i could get it fixed with an implant, but life always seems to get in the way.

Yes, I have had relationships, but none of them have ever really worked out. I have always felt deeply insecure about this. I’ve always felt that deep down, whoever I was dating was always looking over their shoulder for something better. I am a complex person, and at the age of 44, I have decided that relationships are just not for me. This has led to more loneliness.

Full Steam Ahead

Today I successfully met up with the surgeon Dr X at St Thomas’ Hospital in London to discuss my future “hole in the heart” operation.

He seemed like a very nice doctor, which was reassuring, as not all doctors and surgeons are so friendly. After introductions, I went into full attack with my questions. Firstly, I asked:

“So why didn’t the operation I had to close the hole in my heart work the first time”? If I can jog your memory, I had my first open-heart surgery at the age of 2 and a half in the early 80s. I am now in my 40’s.

He simply replied, “Sometimes it just falls apart.”……. What falls apart? What the hole that was sewed up, fell apart? I always felt it was my fault somehow that i was facing another surgery. Back in the early 80’s, hospital follow-up or after care wasn’t exactly to the standard it is today.

My mum was simply told to “let her get on with her life”. She said the aftercare was “non-existent”. I always kind of assumed I was “fixed,” so in my younger days I lived my life to the full, let’s say, without thinking of the consequences. I was a bit wild in my youth, but no more or less than anyone else.

I did ask one of the doctors once if my wild lifestyle in my early years could have contributed to the hole reopening, but was reassured that no, it is merely “congenital,” whatever that means.

I then asked, so, how will you be fixing the hole in my heart? To which he replied, “We will be using a patch of leather from a cow.

How long will the operation take? To which he replied about 4 hours, including a heart and lung machine.

“Will you have to stop my heart”? For which he replied Yes we will have to stop your heart for about 20 minutes. I was like, “Oh my God,” this is getting really real now. I am basically going to be dead for 20 minutes.

I then asked the usual when, where how questions to which he replied it might take place in a few months.

I asked if he recommended I have the operation, and he said yes, i should have it as I will only deteriorate in time.

He mentioned something about blue blood, and that’s why my oxygen is low. It is currently about 85.

Finally, I asked,? “Will it improve my quality of life?” Yes, most definitely, he said. It should boost your oxygen to 100 percent.

So here we go on my road to heart surgery………….. Full steam ahead.