Trauma – sindypiper8

The Day of the Operation

Part 1

After my blissful sleep at the hospital I went and had my shower with the strange solution. I think I was still in a daze. I had many doctors again visit me in the morning. My surgeon came to visit me around 11am. He was all scrubbed up in his surgeon gear. I asked him what time likely the operation would commence, as I though it was scheduled for about 6pm. He told me they wanted to get started early and I would probably get going around 12:00pm.

Another Russian doctor came to discuss the operation also. She had paperwork on her screen that I had to sign. I remember there being an option about the operation being filmed for future reference. She just ticked this box for me without asking!

There were constantly doing ECG’s and bloods at this times. The nurses came to put my valuables in an envelope. I was a bit annoyed that I didn’t get a locker to myself. My suitcase had been taken away at the beginning.

I think around this time I was assigned my own nurse. She had the same name as me which I took to be a lucky sign. She was nice and we were chatting away.Then all of a sudden they came to get me for the operation. As they started to wheel me down one of the nurses said to another one ‘ we need to sort out the bra for after’. They then muttered something about a 40D. The.se are special post surgery bras that fasten at the front.

As I was wheeled down to theatre I think I said a few Hail Marys to keep my mother happy. They parked me outside the theatre. I remember there was an array of Philippine nurses who I have to say were all amazing. At this point a rather stern Phillipino nurse came out and looked at me and said ‘right who have we got here then’. They then transferred me to another operating table and wheeled me into the operating theatre.

To be honest a lot of people would be terrified at this point but i had been here so many times before it didn’t seem such a big deal. I had already had surgery as a young child (which i don’t remember) and I had had the TOE and groin procedure 2 years before.

My line in my left arm had been set up. I gazed up and saw the Japanese anaesthetist. I think he said he name was Tomokoto or something. They both introduced themselves. That was that…the lights went out and i don’t recall a thing.

Motivation

Yesterday i tried to do some bits on the computer but i literally feel braindead sometimes. This is brainfog on a different level. I also feel like my eyesight has significantly deteriorated since I had the operation. I must get this checked.The scar is quite itchy.

I try day to day to pick up the pieces of my life. This is good therapy for me. Pardon me if my writing seems confused. I am going to go right back to the start to journal what I remember.

I brought far too much to the hospital. I remember thinking “God, most people get to go to the hospital to have a baby. At least they get a prize at the end. What will i get.. a new scar”.

My elderly parents dropped me to the hospital where we had lunch. I felt quite guilty in a way to put this burden upon them. Having not being in a relationship at the time. I brought a suitcase. We then went up to the ward to check in. I was given a bracelet and shown to my bed. I don’t think there were many women around at that point. My parents probably stayed about another 20 minutes. We said our goodbyes. It was at this point that it began to get real.

It was just me on the ward at that point. There was a girl to the left of me with her mother. She was talking to doctors and I was eavesdropping. From what I could make out she was having a gallbladder procedure. I remember the doctor explaining this was very painful. She was also having something done to her heart.

A couple of nurses came here and there to check on me. They told me i would have my last meal at 6pm and i was to not eat from that point until the operation. I wondered around the hospital a bit to get my bearings. I watched as the ward slowly filled up.

A couple of different doctors came to visit. There was so many of the it was hard to keep track. I tried to get comfortable and get used to where everything was.

I specifically remember the anaesthetist paying me a visit around this time. He was a very serious Japanese guy. He kind of sobered me up and brought me to the reality of what was about to occur. He said to me it was really important that I get a good night sleep, the night before the operation, otherwise it is not good if I was “stressed” in the operation. This freaked me out somewhat. I shook his hand and he said “don’t worry we will take good care of you”.

After this I think I had a bit of a cry. It was all getting a bit much. I spoke to the nurse about getting a sleeping tablet for later. She said she would ask doctor. I also had a nurse come and give me this solution. She said I was to wash myself with it that night, including my hair and I was also to wash myself again in the morning. An impending sense of doom began to arise within me.

I had my dinner around 6. I remember being pleasantly surprised by it. Later in the evening they moved me to another ward. This ward was full of ladies and some that that had just come from surgery. I remember directly across from me there was an Indian lady. She had a tube up her nose and looked to be in a lot of pain. She had a morphine button which she kept pressing. I remember the staff came and a placed a board under her to take an x-ray. I did try to talk to her but I don’t think her English was that great . She mentioned something about a valve.

To the left of my bed was an elderly English lady. She introduced herself and said she had heart failure. She had a scar where she had a procedure. I think it was something to do with her aorta.

I tried to settle but it was quite a weird and unsettling experience. I was watching my programmes on my phone and tried to do some reading. I went and had my shower and then later the nurse came with my sleeping tablet. I’m glad it wasn’t temazepam. It was a mild sleeping tablet. I drifted off into a lovely sleep but I was still awoken throughout the night for the nurse to do their checks.

3 Months Post Surgery

So..wow, it will officially be 3 months since my surgery for ASD correction via open heart surgery and what an experience and a half. Initially I wanted to write a diary of the experience day by day but that did not turn out to be practical.

I am now going to work with the notes I have made and what I can remember. It has been so hard to even pick up my laptop but today I made a massive effort.

The main thing I am fighting atm seems to be the massive depression that I seem to have slipped into. Apparently it is a normal thing post surgery. I felt so motivated before surgery and was in the middle of a course. I just do not have any motivation or willpower at the moment.

I was told by my surgeon that it could take up to a year to recover psychologically from surgery. I just feel like i am drifting along in a never-ending laziness induced psychosis of never ending Netflix.

For the first month after surgery I just slept and slept and slept. After 2 weeks at home I went out for my first walk which was exhausting. Then this like massive depression kicked in. Almost like your brain/ body has suddenly processed the massive trauma it has experienced. I would describe it like feeling like you have been “hit by a train”. Then looking in the mirror constantly trying to accept/ adjust to your new friend. Your new scar.

When people said “oh your personality might change after surgery” i thought oh no, not me, I am really strong and really resilient. I will bounce back to my normal self in no time. I feel like i have died and this new person has taken over my body. I feel like a shell of my former self. I feel vulnerable, isolated, wary, introverted. Pump head is a real thing.

Why I’m Featured in a Medical Publication: My Story

Today I went to the dentist as the hygienist thought I had a cracked tooth. When the dentist examined me, she couldn’t find anything wrong. This pleased me immensely as I was waiting for her to say “you need a crown” or a “root canal”. One less bit of torture. Yay…good day.

I also enquired about the dental review and made an appointment for that.

Later on I received a call from The Royal Brompton. It was one of the surgeons from when I had my procedure 2 years ago.

Two years ago, I had two procedures at the same time. I had a transesophageal echocardiogram (TOE) and a Catheter procedure in which they put a catheter in via my groin all the way up to my heart. The TOE procedure involves placing a tube with a camera down my throat, into my stomach. They did warn me that this could cause damage, and to be honest, my throat did feel damaged afterwards. When I fall asleep, it makes like a really croaky snoring noise. I’m sure I wasn’t like that before.

The point of these two procedures was to discover more insight into where the hole was situated exactly in my heart. As the hole is in an awkward place, they thought the Toe and Catheter procedure combined would be able to provide some detailed data about the hole.

Anyway, not to go off on a tangent, the surgeon who was involved in that procedure phoned me today, informing me about a Scientific Publication they are making about me due to the “location of the hole and the anatomy which is uncommon”. She was phoning to request my permission. I agreed.

Wow, i actually famous and quite unique!

My Journey to Heart Surgery: A Day-by-Day Account

This is the post excerpt.

Join me as I document my difficult road to heart surgery as I take it day by day.

Firstly I will introduce myself ‘S’ as I am not ready to dispel my rights to privacy just yet. I am a 44 year old female from London.

As a 2 year old child I had open heart surgery for ‘ventricle septum defect’. I don’t remember much from this experience (which is probably a good thing).

Now as a 44 year old I am facing surgery again. In an attempt to gain some control and therapy from the situation I have made the decision to try and transmute the negativity from the situation into a journal to document this unique experience in an attempt to bring something positive to it.

It all began in the middle of the Covid Pandemic . Just before Covid I had been working in healthcare. It was a very physically demanding and stressful job and I began to feel very ill. I felt exhausted and I knew that something wasn’t right. Strangely enough I had this weird premonition or feeling the year before Covid which said to me “you need to get out of the care industry now”. Thank God I listened as I could have been in serious danger had I continued down that path, having to care for people who had Covid.

Somewhere towards the end of the Covid pandemic the hospital began to conduct investigations into my situation. I had multiple tests, MRI scans, lung function tests. They couldn’t understand why my oxygen was going so low. They tested me with supplementary oxygen.

They then came back to me and informed me that I had COPD. I was shocked and distraught at this news. I had always been a smoker but never smoked like 20 a day. After more tests, they informed me I was had the “Alpha 1” gene. This diagnosis explained why I had got the disease so young. My lungs were deficient in a protein. This made me more susceptible to the disease developing at such a young age.

As the years passed, I had to try to come to terms with my new reality. I certainly feel like I cannot do the things I did before.

It was when my family wanted me to go abroad on holiday that I needed hospital clearance. It can be particularly dangerous for someone with low oxygen levels to be able to fly. I had not been abroad for nearly 10 years and could do with a decent break. After quite a while the doctors got back to me and gave me permission to take a short flight but no longer than 4 hours.

I was really pleased about this. Then, as I was chatting to the cardiologist, she threw me a curveball. She said they had been discussing my case, and the surgeon reckoned he could fix the hole in my heart again. I wasn’t expecting that. She then suggested I have my holiday and then when i get back to go and discuss it with the surgeon.

So this is where I am currently. I hadn’t heard from anyone since I got back from my holiday in May so I decided to chase the Cardiologist team to get the ball rolling.

So here we are. I am going to meet the surgeon next Monday. I am compiling a list of questions and will be documenting my thoughts and feelings.

I often wonder what I did in a past life to deserve the health problems I have in this one. I fantasize that I was some powerful witch or something, and it all backfired. I have always had a pretty good imagination. All in all, I suppose I am pretty deep in that way. Sometimes I feel so angry, and at other times I feel completely isolated, as if no one will ever truly understand me. Sometimes I look at others’ seemingly perfect lives and feel bitter and jealous.

Aside from the monster I have always felt like anyway, what kind of monster will I be after this next surgery? I almost feel like Frankenstein sometimes. Like some Gineau Pig or toy for medical professionals to play with and prod.

No one ever talks about the invasive side of open heart surgery. It’s almost like being raped or something. An external entity entering your body that you don’t really want. Then you have the ‘shame’. The shame, the embarrassment of putting your trust in others you don’t know to fix you.

Sometimes I feel that I don’t have the energy or will to go through this. I would rather just go somewhere and die. There are no guarantees that it will even work anyway.